July 18, 2011, 2:43 pm. Emotional lows may bring feelings of hopelessness, or a loss of interest in activities you typically enjoy. The original plan was to borrow the car for a week or two while his was being repaired, and then his parents were going to stop through our city on their way to his sister down south, and pick the car up then. I agree that it must be hard for the LW’s boyfriend to withhold stuff from his Mom. I’m the “high” rather than the “low”). I know what it’s like to have a close family member with bipolar disorder & though it’s a very difficult situation, I think if anyone has to do it, it’s her family!! I think he’s afraid of being cut off from her, she disowned his brother over who he chose to marry, and I can see why he’d worry about the same thing. And your boyfriend has to learn the same, that he can’t cater to his mother at the expense of himself. Do as Wendy says & pay that car off asap. You will need to get a set total amount for the car in writing and also a monthly payment in writing that clearly gives both the amount and the date due and then always make sure it is paid on time. And continues to do so. I’m wondering if he only told her about the “harlot” comment because he came home upset after the fight, and either she asked him what happened or he wanted to unload. The person who is bipolar can not control their emotions in the same way that someone who isn’t bipolar can. But now that you’ve pointed it out you’re right. July 18, 2011, 10:56 am. I think it just hurts to know that someone I was beginning to care about thinks so poorly of me. His mom sounds like one of those who doesn’t handle it well and so she shouts. General. SpaceySteph Tell him you will not tolerate him telling his parents your personal business anymore. My boyfriend’s brother has his gf living with him basically for free. Welcome! I agree with you, but she did say she was supposed to be taking meds, so maybe she is clinically diagnosed. Please wait some years before getting engaged because she will cause you constant stress in your relationship and you will need to work this out before getting engaged. Good luck, and keep us posted. You see, if you remove that element by providing a solution with efficiency and sense (giving the car back, paying for the car ASAP), that power will be removed from his mother. I watch him try to position himself in reference to his mother differently than in the past, but it is difficult. They also offer suggestions for family members coping with their own stress. She does show the MIL respect (taking from the letter) – polite, etc. I already had someone steal them once, and the doctor’s office refused to cancel the scrip and write me different ones (they actually accused me of abusing/selling the pills myself). Seems like the LW thinks that being two-faced is the same as having bipolar disorder. AnitaBath Telling the LW that his mother thinks she’s “a harlot” is rude, disrespectful and completely unnecessary. It may become necessary for someone else to step in. I do love you and want you to be there in my life for when I need you, but please let me try to figure out life some on my own too. Just curious, you all know what bipolar disorder actually is, right? She was saying things that she knew weren’t true, things that didn’t make any sense, but she couldn’t stop it from spewing out. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or that you may benefit from more consultation, check with your primary care doctor and insurance company for area providers. It’s important that you know what to expect, what to do, and who you may need to call. If, however, she has NOT been diagnosed by a licensed professional, you need to stop saying she’s BP. I hate it, LW hates it, but there are people in this world who are like that. This is where my worries begin: As a good-hearted young man, I questioned him on his moving in with someone he may barely know and only known through a long-distance relationship. My mother is not bi polar, but she uses a classic guilt technique. Park the car in her driveway, leave the keys on her kitchen counter, and get the heck out of there (yes you will need another car to pull this off but I assume you got the boyfriend’s car back from the repair shop). I definitely agree with not accepting any other offers from her ever again. Bipolar is treatable, medications and counseling help a great deal, but theres still things about bipolar disorder that I dont think Ill ever figure out." You can twist and turn this any way you want, but the fact is the problem is between the mother and her son, and the LW has no say in their relationship. Gosh-darnit, there I go assuming again! Why feed that drama? I agree she probably doesn’t have bipolar disorder (that word is thrown around a lot), but it definitely sounds like she has some emotional issues. If you were the “people pleaser” or the “good child” then you come to view yourself as the barometer of the bipolar parent, and it becomes – to you – your “responsibility” to keep them happy and to take away the rage. Although those sound contrary when you put them next to each other, I think they are both legitimate concerns. July 18, 2011, 1:58 pm. “My Fiance’s Female Friend is Obsessed with Him”, Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread. While bipolar disorder may present challenges, it doesn’t define your partner. Don’t let the naysayers get you down. Thanks for visiting! I suspect with an extra person to foot the bills for, he may not be in position to pay us back, and I’ve urged him to seek better paying work if he expects to take the responsibilities he’s signed up for. SpaceySteph She wouldn’t call the girl a whore but may imply it. Call for help as soon as possible if you’re scared for yourself or your parent. It took three months of not seeing me, of not even being able to speak to me (I screened her calls and deleted her emails) to get through to her that her behavior was going to cost her people. July 19, 2011, 12:20 am. I do have a job and pay household bills (electric, internet, half the grocery and some gas). But I will say that even knowing my family member literally can’t help behavior, it still hurts to be on the receiving end. she’s not your mother how do u think ur boyfriend feels? LW-kudos to you for doing your best to handle everything well and be adult about it. Bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness distinguished by severe mood swings and drastic changes in energy level. I pay the electric bill, half the grocery bill, the internet and my medical problems (which aren’t cheap, even with insurance). I strongly disagree with her refusal to get treatment for her bipolar disorder — I think it’s disrespectful and borderline emotionally abusive to her family members who have to put up with her screaming at them. She may hate this at first and be even worse for a while. Boyfriend doesn’t live with his mom anymore, but I think he’s just so used to her being the way she is that he doesn’t know that he doesn’t have to put up with her behavior. Setting Boundaries with a Person with Depression, How to Deal with the Uncertainty of Bipolar Episodes, have difficulty with relationships outside of the family, have excessive responsibility starting at a young age, have health problems related to emotional distress, have a hard time sleeping, although they may report feeling “well rested” after only 30 minutes of sleep, go on shopping sprees with reckless regard as to how they’ll pay for items purchased. I’m also secretly the Queen of England. One of my immediate family members is bipolar–diagnosed by a psychiatrist and psychologist, receiving medication and therapy. Whether she means it or not, I should just ignore it. That being said whenever she does ask after him, his siblings or me he tries to be as forthcoming as possible because at least it is something, at least she is showing some signs of caring about him. Bipolar disorder isn’t curable, but it is manageable. SpaceySteph You can’t just stop wanting her to be a part of your life. So, I’m not actually seeing “bipolar” in this letter. You can agree or disagree with it, but that doesn’t make the mother mentally ill. AnitaBath Just curious because the anger and the yelling and flipping out that someone who is bipolar and not medicated is capable of is extremely frustrating and scary. TOTALLY understand your point however, at the end of the day, her son will do as he pleases. I’ve seen this happen in families before. This mom may have been diagnosed as bipolar and chosen not to get treatment. Close. Don’t create one then and you’ll have a better chance of keeping your sanity. Children may have questions about what their parent is going through, and it’s important to keep the line of communication open. At that point I would seek a lawyer or some other outside assistance to deal with the car matter. Since we have no access to him, it’s imperative to let the LW know part of the blame lays squarely on her shoulders if she’s to gain any respect from the future MIL – get a job to help the poor lad out, show your future MIL a little respect and stop badmouthing her. Realize that when the car is fully paid off she may still be in a bad mood and not sign over the title. So where does the LW being a whore factor into all of this? He doesn’t see this. Love her advice, but sometimes the straight talk can get mean, and some of the comments can be vicious). And that part of her recognized what was actually going on and KNEW she was wrong, but that only made her more upset and more stressed out…which inevitably led to more freak outs on her behalf. Calls are free, confidential, and they’re available to help 24/7. Also, maybe a case manager or more involved psychiatrist or therapist could help her manage her symptoms better. I let him know my $0.02 and concluded that he’s legally an adult so there’s no telling him “NO” on this matter. He should keep your life private and quit blabbing to you about all the crap his crazy mother says behind your back in a fit of mania. But because his mom had bipolar. Stay out of it & expressly tell him you don’t want to hear any ill things she’s spoken about you. But it does determine how my life is structured. From the way LW worded that, it sounds like bf’s Mom has been diagnosed and prescribed meds, but has refused to take them. Children of a parent with bipolar disorder may also benefit from one-on-one psychotherapy. I wasn’t aware of this resource and will definitely check it out. I didn't sleep or eat properly, and spent money … No. I just want to disspell that assumption. I have budgets planned out for differing monthly payments, and we’ve shown them to her. I think people are putting their own spin on a situation from which we ALL are missing some info. Something you may or may not have done isn’t one of them. Your parent will likely benefit from a life-long combination of psychotherapy and medication. She has dresses like you’re wondering what shes thinking. The MIL is going as far as her son is allowing her too. My friend’s MIL came at her with a knife bc she said my friend was “stealing her baby away.”, I guess all those tumbs-down are from people who don’t mind being called names by their MIL’s…. He’s paying the rent for them to live together. He’s dating this whore (and for some reason he gets mad when I call her that!) It’s one thing to ask a third party for advice on a particular situation, it’s another thing for a third party to get completely involved. After all, he’s the one who’s sharing personal information about your life together with his mother. The other person has choices. He apparently has a guardian angel that appears to him, along with talking ghosts of people and animals. SweetChild *Disclaimer: this knowledge courtesy of a not-even-upper-level psych class in college. Your boyfriend needs to come to grips with the fact that there are things best left unsaid to his mother and best left unrelayed to you. Here's more on why this occurs and how to move forward. He got kicked out for two months. First off, you bf should not be listening hour-long rants from her about what a snotty whore you are. I took psych 101! Kill her with kindness. She is clinically diagnosed as bipolar, yes but I don’t know exactly what sort she is. Some people may jokingly say they’re “a little … Its only in pop culture that being “bipolar” equates to periodically freaking out on people. I only want to know the good stuff. It can look the same externally and even feel the same from the inside. Talking With Your Loved One Avoid hurtful language. I think this is equally if not more plausible an explanation for the behavior of the mother than her having a mental disorder. She said that she “refuses to get medicated for it”. She lives over 600 miles away. My boyfriend of 4 years (did the LDR, we’re in our early twenties, living together for a year) has a mother with bipolar who also refuses to medicate. I almost hate to say it, but I didn’t think his mother sounded quite as crazy as LW says. I know this isn’t healthy, and as I said, I have worked on this – but it is a pattern that is very easy for a child to learn and very difficult for an adult child to unlearn. Temperance It does sound a bit like she’s got the rapid cycling version, which is more common for women. July 21, 2011, 5:29 pm. Mental illness can be hard to pinpoint--particularly in some people with bipolar disorder. I mean, why are you waiting for her to tell you what the monthly payments should be? It is his choice to pay rent while you get your debts clear. If your parent has an illness, it can have a lasting impact on the immediate family. In case this ends up with Judge Judy (or, in seriousness, any small claims court televised or otherwise), it would probably help you to show that you made an effort to write a contract. What help is available for children and families? Not all depression is sadness. July 18, 2011, 12:16 pm. I doubt the LW is calling her bipolar (and talking about medication) without some sort of rational basis (ie. However, none of this stuff lets LW off the hook. Maybe. July 18, 2011, 11:26 am. the few times my boyfriend and I have been to see her she’s been sugary sweet to me, only to scream at him on the phone a week later about all the bad things she thinks about me. This would explain why she was upset about her son paying all the rent for his apartment, and not paying her back for the car. She offered boyfriend money to pay for college books last semester, and he and I had to have a big discussion about why that would be an incredibly fucking stupid idea. Bipolar 1 Disorder and Bipolar 2 Disorder: What Are the Differences? Ok so….here’s my thing: you knew borrowing the car that in a few months it would have to go back, right? Well you could give the car back and stop paying. We as our own LWers conveniently leave things out when we tell our story. © 2005-2021 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. I think this is a very insightful post. No one can be sure if they’ll get this disorder, but you can’t catch it in the same way that you can catch a cold or the flu. July 18, 2011, 9:58 am. But he may need help doing that. If you do feel like you’re stressed or having a hard time managing your feelings, talk to a medical professional or another person you trust. Ya, I’m really questioning that the mother has a disorder at all. Hopefully you guys can figure something out, just try to be his support & not feed into the drama. Yeah, I agree that the mother’s reactions are a bit extreme, but then again, I don’t have a barely adult son moving in with a girl and start to pay for all of her (fine, their) expenses. Immature, yes, petty, yes, but you don’t know if she contributes to other things. Yes, the mother is clinically diagnosed (I don’t know what specific type of bipolar/manic-depressive, I was just told bipolar). I suppose my question is: how do I interact with her? FH replied that he couldn’t cut off his father, because his father went “crazy” if no one was “there for him”. Today, my plan for a happy marriage is to manage bipolar disorder separately from managing my marriage whenever possible. Also I think your last paragraph is brilliant, Skyblossom. New Here? I blame him for your anxiety. She probably thinks LW is taking advantage of both her and her son. And I started standing up for myself, and my brother, and my dad, and my relationship with my mom went down the shitter. You and your boyfriend aren’t engaged yet. It may work, (not for you) but the problem is that he’s not a kid anymore and he has to chose a mature way to communicate with his mother, otherwise he’ll always get locked in this cycle. It may be helpful to keep a chart documenting their: This can help your family notice if symptoms change or return. Her being so far away will make it easier, I suppose, to deal with her, but we only see her during holidays, when she’s even more stressed out than normal. It’s not rocket science. Excellent points. Like, your boyfriend has seen the doctor’s note? That was my place in the family – I felt. Or is her son not willing to send the car back all that way and she is reacting? July 19, 2011, 3:23 am, 1. Even if she has other sons, and they are older than him. However, it makes me really sad for you that after essentially rescuing yourself, you are being dragged into the same drama that you managed to escape. She doesn’t contribute to rent, water, electricity, groceries, or even chores. How do we even know she’s actually the LW? I’m sorry that you have to deal with chronic pain, too. I’m going to try and keep this brief, so I’ll put my experiences dealing with his awful father and how we manage contact with him in 2 separate paragraphs. All rights reserved. Honestly, and I know this is harsh, but being disowned by her does not seem as bad as the current situation. I've never met somebody so crazy in my life, and it's starting to get to me. Was the mom respecting LW when she called her a harlot? And no, my mother is not bipolar…she’s just a short tempered person who sometimes says thing she regrets in anger (as most of us have done once before). The mother/son bond is a big one to a mom (I have four boys, I know this one all too well). It’s important to be patient while finding ways for you both…, If you’re living with bipolar disorder, you’re not alone. I requested that he stop talking to his father until he curbed the gendered insults. Everything is HER way. There is a form of bipolar disorder that features rapid cycling moods. ”. They should pay off the car and not be in debt to the parents and learn to keep business that is between the two of them separate from the mother. Healthline Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Her son is her “baby”. Her disorder is the reason I moved out. If she’d stop changing her mind every other week, I’d be more than happy to pay it off. Furthermore, if the two of you don’t want financial drama with his parents, freakin’ pay them back already for the car you/he bought. Except, ya know, now that I think about it I think I DO want him to pay for it. I strongly suggest giving the car back or paying it off like, yesterday. . Really? True that, I struggle with OCD a lot of the time but I couldn’t give two shits about keeping things all lined up straight or in even numbers or anything like that so it can be difficult to explain. But maybe he just has to learn to deal with some of it himself, or at least edit a few things out. These shifts can happen at any time and last at least two weeks. Would the two of you be better off giving her the car back and buying one yourselves? She has the information about the mother’s rude, controlling, and unstable behavior, and so she included it. The DBSA is another available online resource for children of a parent with bipolar disorder. Since this is something she has done for a long time, I am sure they are used to it. “Bipolar” is still the official term. Your boyfriend probably learned that it was easier to give in to Mom to deflect her when he was younger, and that the rages were tolerable because they would go away. She refuses to discuss the matter rationally and agree upon a set amount owed and what she wants each month. I also am dealing with a bitchy BF mom. I don’t want to know if my boyfriend’s mom tells him she has concerns about me or something. The LW isn’t carrying her weight financially and the money that the boyfriend could have put toward paying back the car is now all going towards rent payments. July 18, 2011, 12:34 pm. He pays for everything all the time, & while all of us can’t stand her, think she’s a free-loading b**ch, it’s not our place to tell him that. Or she makes life a living hell for those who don’t do it her way. Hells yes I would. Either way, you should not have been mentioned/should not have known about what happened. I’m sorry but I do not get “free loading, self-centered” girl. Hannah Blum Dating during your twenties is an experience in itself, but when you live with a severely stigmatized condition like bipolar disorder, dating can really be a challenge. (My aunt has done it) So I get why your bf has been hesitant to stand up to her (now knowing about his brother), after all, that is his mother. As a young adult it is very difficult to switch from having your parent tell you what to do to telling your parent what you will do. I just wish I knew how to handle it all better, if there was something I could do or say to make her approve of the relationship, or to assure her that I’m not ‘using’ him and that we really are in love, to let her know how much I want to be with him. If the mother in this letter is indeed bipolar, her mood swings will only continue to get worse, so along with Wendy’s excellent steps to minimize bones of contention and increase discretion, the LW and boyfriend’s family and friends would do well to educate themselves and get some support. We don’t really have the money for him to drive the car all the way out there and arrange for transportation back (and we’d have to fly/train/bus back home, even though we do have another working car. She does things like this quite frequently, and I don’t trust her. 2.) He’ll ask bizarre and rude questions on a constant basis. I have found this is the only way both my friend and I have been able to maintain a relatively stress-free relationship with our respective parents. Hmmm? Explore 10 ways to support a friend or loved one with this unpredictable…, Although there isn’t a scientific connection between bipolar disorder and lying, many people perceive lying as one of the symptoms. This doesn’t mean that you’ll automatically develop the disorder if one of your parents has it, though. I think it has something to do with his parents being elderly and his dad is disabled (polio) and he’s worried that if his mother cuts him off/disowns him…that he won’t be there for them when they really need it. And I think it’s legitimate for her to worry that her son is fully supporting this girl who makes no effort to pay the rent. 6. Then after, when her son calls to talk without needing anything, she will begin to understand that she can depend on her son loving her and maybe will realize how pointless it is to try to manipulate him. If your parent takes their medication and sees a doctor regularly, it’s more likely that their symptoms are under control. I know all of this costs money, but I’m willing to bet it costs less than the 2 grand his mother will torture out of you two. stating that once the transaction is complete that the title will be switched over to you. Temperance Even if another used car of similar type would cost thousands more than she’s “willing” to sell it to you for, it is way worth it to spend a few extra years paying off the car in order to distance yourself from her. You can’t just give someone a car and telling them they’re buying it. I personally love the word harlot. Supportive of your parents should stop caring about your life together with his mother is exactly that bipolar. 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